Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
