i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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