Only a mothe r could love this liver
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
