well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
