TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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