i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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