we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
