nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sober January is a disaster.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
