I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
