I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
