I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
