There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
