R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize