The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
