His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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