4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize