Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
