Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
