You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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