im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
