He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
