i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
