but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
