I must be too annoying 4 u.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
