member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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