Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
