well I can't set my house on fire every night
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I want her autograph on my taint
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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