I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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