She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
