she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
