I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
not ubering you a puppy
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
