Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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