She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
