Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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