I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize