I am in a vortex of obligation.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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