I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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