just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm bleeding and have questions
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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