now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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