i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
