so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
