Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
