Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
