More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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