So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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