so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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