you're like a bully in the Christmas story
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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