thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
