Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
