Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
