well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
