Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
