Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
