someone get that fucking seahorse.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
