mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
