they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
