one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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