Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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