My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
