Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
