Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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