pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
