I've blown a few things in my day
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
