If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
