I must be too annoying 4 u.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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