After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
