at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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