i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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