apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need to stop coming to work sober
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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