This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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