Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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