he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
