You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
