The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
